Last night wasn't a very good night for me. I tossed and turn and making sure that I won't bother Rudy. Lots of thinking, my mind was in the Philippines. Everytime a month was passed, like every end of the month, I am thinking me in the PI together with my son, enjoying every moment, being a mother to him, attending all his needs. There will be tremendous changes in Lance life when I go back home taking care of him like I will give him a little responsibility, I want him to be a better man when he grows up, sense of responsibility that his biological dad don't have, Yes i have to admit it. Being away with my family when I was in high school made me to tough to face challenges, and if I have a bigger problem, i used to think that its just a piece of cake to me and always a challenge to me. I want Lance to be like that, that he can face all the problem that will come to his life. I think, the way i was race was a good example. I did not blamed my parents in anyway. I do understand their shortcomings. I remember when I was in Elementary, i think it was grade 6, Mom wake us up early in the morning, like 3Am with my 2 brothers Unloy and Pogi to prepare her paninda. Mom sells fishball and palamig. She has to arrange it early so she could have good money to pay her debt which everyday the collector goes to the store, usually they are bombay. Mom used to get a lot of things to them aside from money. Kaldero, kumot, malaking kaldero etc. Aside from paying debt, she has to atleast feed us with rice and some viands, most of the time, it just end up with galunggong. But its okay. One of my brother always complaining which pisses me off. Until now, he kept complaining all his life (this will be a different story, about him complaining). So it become our responsibility to wake up in the morning, help mom preparing her fishball and palamig and then we will be back to bed to sleep some more hours. At 10AM here's mom again, waking up us to watch her paninda and she will now prepare our food. Me or Bryan will take charge. After preparing food, she might do our laundry or take a nap. Wow, shes a superwoman. And then Bryan will get pissed coz nobody will replaced to watch our paninda. So mom will asked me to take over. Then at night, Mom will light up the coleman, it a light i dont know we called it coleman. She made good fishball sauce so we have a lot of customer everyday. This become one of our responsibilities at the house when I was just a booger picker lol.
Back to this sleepless nights, I did think of the things I will do when i go back and I am super excited. I will take care of my son again and thats the most important thing. Woke him up for school, bathing him, prepare breakfast for him, put his uniform on, bring him to school and watch him. wow, i am super excited. Bring him to the park during saturdays or sundays...Play with him. Teach him. Everything with him.
i think i was able to sleep at 3AM and woke up at 8:30AM, we had breakfast at the galley, the usual fried rice with steak and my favorite sunny side up egg which was too raw for me so i have get back and asked for a welldone egg. I am not a fussy eater but i dont like my eggs too raw. And then there was this group of kids on the other end of the table, like they were 2 - 6 years old, all white kids. Lance flashes on my mind again and can't help it, i burst to cry. Rudy noticed it right away and i told him that i miss Lance so bad, and he told me "very soon" i will have Lance again in my arms. Im too emotional right now. I remember i crying for almost a month when i first got here and now it's very soon of going back home and yet, still crying. I do really miss my son. i feel like I am not complete, something in me was missing. Lance is my life.
